A Harvest Satire: Letters from the Front

A Harvest Satire: Letters from the Front


My Dearest Anne,

We start this campaign in earnest today. After a brief skirmish on in the Chardonnay Valley last week it seems that today The Harvest has really begun. The men’s moral seems high as we start what is sure to be a long engagement, but we are undaunted. Whatever happens this season know that I’m thinking of you and that we shall be together when this is all over.

Your Man on the Front,

Clayton Wallace



The battle of Muscat Hill is finally over. It was a grueling day. One of our support vehicles got bogged down for a scary hour out there. Didn’t know how we were going to get them out in the middle of the field. Luckily, we had an extra support vehicle to bare the load while the first was pulled back for repairs. We were lucky today, but it was a reminder that our enemy will not wait. We only have so long to bring it all in before we are overwhelmed.

Yours in Life,

Clayton Wallace



The Whites are finished. Only the Red Army is left now. The whites were tricky to press but we squeezed them out and its over. We think the Red ones on the North Front are stable now. Now it’s the units on the Birdseye Front that have us worried. They’re all in the Pinot Class and if the operation is to be successful, we will need to move before the rains come in. The plan is to commit the whole of our Forces to Squash this enemy. If we are successful, we will only have Del Rio to face and we have already faced the bulk of what it must throw at us. We will begin the offensive before the sun has risen to catch them by surprise. Pray the weather holds.

Your Fighting man,

Clayton Wallace


Oh Dearest Beth,

We have done it! Birdseye is no more!  We have finished with this most worthy opponent and now we sing our victory to the heavens. While we rejoice our commander was clear this was not the end of the harvest war but that we are over the hump. The remaining forces stacked against us are not as daunting a foe and will surely fall into line soon. Now with our full might facing one enemy we will surely prevail. Be ready for my soon return my angel. It shan’t be long now.

Yours forever,

Clayton Wallace



Disaster!  We are down a platoon. The unit code named “Harvester” has takin a devastating attack early in the morn. The medics say they will be able to save our men (thank God) but it will be a few days and we will have to carry on without them for the time being. There is just so much left to face. My blood runs cold thinking about it. Our nights will now no doubt be restless as we work to make up this loss. However, we shall prevail. There is no other choice.

Your Solider,

Clayton Wallace



We have recovered and have won. We are tired, we are battered, but we have won. The remaining forces are being swept up as I write this. There is but only scant few remaining to oppose us in the town of Syrah and the Cab Sav Hills and they should fall easy. We are truly finished. I look forward to the end of these long days and nights. Where it seemed like all that kept me going was coffee and the frozen burrito rations, we gave out to keep the men going. Well, that and the thought of you, of course. I will see you soon my darling.

See you soon,

 Clayton Wallace



Clayton Wallace died on October 18, 2019. Although, he was a soldier in the Great “Harvest War” as it is being referred to, he did not die in it. No, Clayton perished soon after returning home and finding 10 women waiting for him with hands full of his letters that he had sent to all of them. He then died running away and falling into a manhole. He might have thought it was a good place to hide but didn’t quite think that one through. Oh well, not the first time. Rest in peace young man.